By Todd Elwood
My mom is one spectacular lady.
I realize that’s an obvious thing for one to say. I mean, who would say otherwise about his or her mother, especially this time of year?
(“Happy Mother’s Day, mom! You’ve always been adequate!”)
But I’m serious. To borrow – and twist – a phrase from childhood, my mom can beat up your mom.
Recently, though, I decided to find out what kind of man my mom would be, if she were a he.
Esquire magazine recently published a feature called The 75 Skills Every Man Should Master. The piece, by Tom Chiarella, lays out 75 things guys should be able to do to be considered real men.
I wondered if my mom – being as great as she is – could stack up. She did surprisingly well.
At my count, she’s lacking just 17 skills to be considered a real man.
The feature isn’t meant to be a Cosmo quiz, but if it were, I honestly would’ve fared about the same as my mom.
I read 73 of the 75 skills to my mom (two I toss out because they have to do with a man’s “skill” with a woman, and I’m fairly sure mom doesn’t qualify in that category.)
Space disallows me to list all 75 skills here (as do copyright restrictions, I’d guess), so here are some highlights, along with mom’s answers.
Skill No. 10: A man should be able to buy a suit.
Mom’s a real estate broker. This one’s no problem. She can buy a single suit good for a funeral or an open house.
“Plus, it comes with pants and a skirt,” she says.
Beat that, men.
Skill No. 13: Throw a punch.
Mom says she’s not sure on this one. “It’d be more of a swat than a punch.”
She then reminds me of the wooden spoon – an effective weapon feared by all five of her kids when we were tiny tots.
No. 14: Chop down a tree.
I write “no” before she answers, but to my surprise, mom claims she can fell a tree no problem.
“You’d be surprised,” she says.
I guess I never qualified the size of the tree. Still, I can’t imagine mom lugging a chainsaw into the forest.
No. 19 says a man should be able to approach a woman out of his league. I switch the genders and ask mom.
As a married woman, she says she has difficulty imagining the circumstances.
“Pretend it’s Brad Pitt,” I suggest.
Mom’s incredulous at that idea. “He’s out of my league? What do you mean by that?”
No. 29: Understand quantum physics well enough that …”
“No.”
No. 30: Feign interest.
“Sure. I do that all the time with Ray (my step dad). He’s always talking about things I don’t understand.”
No. 41: Speak to a waiter so he will hear.
“I’m a firm believer that a person who’s not nice to a waiter is a jerk,” says mom.
Mom whiffs at three questions in a row, all having to do with sports.
Throw a baseball: no.
Throw a football: no.
Hit a jump shot: no.
All is not lost, though.
“I can hit a golf ball pretty far. Sometimes.”
The exercise turns out to be fun. Mom actually surprises me on a few of these skills.
She lists items that ought to be in an emergency pack (another manly skill, apparently) as accurately as though she were reading the article over my shoulder.
But her true personality shines when talking about skills she lacks.
Mom is rightfully proud of her independent spirit, because she has it in spades.
More admirable than that to me, though, is her self awareness and her self-deprecating humor.
Such as her answer to skill No. 53: A man should be able to kick some ass:
“Yes!” she says, emphatically. (Wait two beats).
“No, not really,” she says, laughing.
With those mix of qualities, naturally you can tell she’s one spectacular lady.
If you don’t believe that, she’ll kick your … well, she’ll chop down your tree.
Happy Mother’s Day, Mommy! And to all moms out there, manly or not.
To comment on this column, or to tell me what kind of man your mom is, click over to TheElwoodFiles.com online. Or e-mail Todd@Take5AZ.com.